What Is Love?

Can you love more than one person at a time in a relationship? Can one person love another more than they are loved? Can we run away from it, lock our hearts and refuse to engage?

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War of Wills

I am currently visiting a friend in Bali who invited a dog trainer to work with her dogs who were going to be freighted back to Australia. It was a fascinating encounter watching one of the dogs and the trainer fight a war of wills as to who was the more dominant of the pack.

Many times in relationships  especially those that are abusive, the domineering partner will often get the other party to submit to their will. This can be due to a personality disorder called Narcissism.

Narcissistic personalities can be defined as people who have an overinflated sense of their own importance and generally lack empathy with others. They believe they are the leader of the pack or more important than anyone else and can show symptoms of jealously, arrogance, be exploitive of others and have a strong sense of entitlement and self importance.

When someone is identified with this symptom it is diagnosed as a mental illness. Generally developed in early childhood it is more prevalent in males than females. These individuals:

1. Dislike any form of criticism. If they assume or believe you are analysing them or their behaviour they may lie, change the subject or respond to something else as they don’t like to show their vulnerability or that they are deficient in any way

2. Lack confidence.  Though they are superficial they show a face that appears in control and knowledgable. These individuals can rise to positions of power and influence as they are driven to prove themselves.  Their feelings of inferiority are overwhelming but they can skilfully hide this appearing to those around as having high self esteem. They constantly seek compliments for their achievements and will compliment themselves if someone else doesn’t.

3. Are defensive. Since these individuals cannot lose face they will protect themselves at all costs.Their defensive system can be easily set off and thus if you get into a conflict with them they find it near on impossible to apologise or admit they made a mistake. Like the Bali dog I watched being trained, initially it was very stubborn and refused to obey the trainer. It was their way or the highway. Eventually through patience it gave way to doing as it was told. The trainer just sat and waited but it is much harder to break a personality disorder if imbedded since childhood.

4. Outbursts. Angry outbursts are common if this individual doesn’t get their own way or they feel threatened. Being at the centre of this rage where their hurt, guilt, shame comes to the fore the other party can be baffled, hurt or even frightened.

5. Confronting the darkness. Narcissistic personalities find it near on impossible to confront their traits and behaviours because it’s so scary to disrobe and show themselves for who they are. They alienate themselves and hide somewhere safe so they are not devalued. Not so long ago I was at a dance where an instructor was criticised for doing something. This instructor is known to grand stand his abilities (which I have to admit are very good) but he certainly has a narcissistic personality. When he was attacked, rather than explain or ignore the attacker he chose to leave immediately.

6. Sense of entitlement. Other individuals are seen as extensions of the narcissist and there to serve their needs. They seek to get from others and don’t generally think of the repercussions. There is a scale where some behaviours are higher than others so when I use the word generally, it is because not everyone is at the same level on the scale.

If you are in a relationship with someone who shows this type of behaviour be aware they like to dominate conversations, sometimes share inappropriate personal information about themselves or ask unacceptable questions of others. Sometimes they may use manipulation and games to wreak havoc so don’t be taken into their world and feel you are wrong when you may be right.

© Conversations That Matter

Navigating Uncharted Waters

When a person goes to visit a solicitor to find out what their rights are to division of assets and access to children then we know that issues at home are far from ok. This growing trend has gained momentum, as the dividing of assets can leave one struggling where once couples had a comfortable lifestyle.

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The Disappearing Act

Ever been on a date, had a great evening where the other arranges to call you for another date then quick as a wink disappears and you don’t hear from them again?  Is there an unconscious message you have telepathically delivered that says “I’m not interested”, or are they just not into you and they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

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Here I am

I feel your whisper across the universe, oceans and nearby, here I am, where are you?

Some people come into our lives for a reason, sometimes only a season and sometimes for a lifetime and when they do, we are made to feel special because of it. Do you have family and friends who take it upon themselves to introduce you to others in the hope it’ll be the one? Do they assume that having a partner will make you happy?  Do you get lonely being on your own?
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Together Forever

Did you know that there are more men in the world than women?

I had it drummed into me when I was growing up that if I was to attract a man for life then I had to look good by dressing well, had to have the proper manners and be a lady, and my father would often say that I needed to do housework and be clean and tidy because when I was married, it would be expected of me. No wonder I rebelled.

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It Takes Two To Tango

The bible tells us that God created the world in 7 days and formed Adam and Eve. It is assumed they were created for the purpose of procreation and creation of a global society.

The desire to have children and even remain single are choices being made everyday. Divorce, abuse, dysfunctional families, cheating partners are what consciously or unconsciously prevent connections, new experiences or even opportunities from taking place.

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Friends with Benefits

If you have no expectations or desire for a long term relationship, want a casual, sexual encounter without getting emotionally embroiled then as long as you know what you’re getting into and it fits with what you are after, it can be great.

There are lots of women and men who hook up without any feelings of attachment. The moment an emotional attachment starts being formed is when things can get messy. People generally don’t talk about their hook ups since most people are judgmental and passionately attack the concept of FWB though, some may brag to friends about having someone “on the side”.

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