I have never really felt comfortable with ‘talking dirty’ to my partner. It’s not that I haven’t tried it, I have on the phone, but it was way out of my comfort zone and I felt embarrassed not knowing what to say. My problem was I always thought it was using words that I wouldn’t generally use, like in a porn movie.
I discovered sextexting was more fun as it is the cheeky side of me coming out and more like a sparring game I play with the other party. I think it’s because my mind works faster than my mouth at times.
Why do people talk dirty to one another? Should you consider it and how do you go about it?
It’s tricky at first to get into communicating this way as people can feel vulnerable saying certain words such as ‘pussy, cock, dick, cunt, whore slut, fuck’ as it’s the way these words are viewed by us outside of the bedroom compared to inside. Some people love using swear words when talking dirty, whereas others are more clinical or less descriptive. It’s about what you are comfortable with.
Talking dirty is not just about what one person likes and wants, but what you individually and both enjoy. It’s about having the ability to give your partner guidance such as ‘fuck me harder, I love your cock, I want to taste you”. Explaining what brings you pleasure, helps your partner to know what turns you on in that moment and helps them relieve some of the performance pressure they might feel during sex. Your communication keeps them in the loop.
Many women, as mentioned above, find it challenging to use foul words but you don’t always need to do so. It’s about building sexual tension and teasing your partner having them fantasizing about what’s next to come.
Outside of the bedroom, tantalising teasers such as, “I can’t wait to see you as I have a special surprise for you tonight, feel like being naughty, when you touch me like that you know it turns me on, I’m feeling really horny for you now, can’t stop thinking about last night and want more, want to enjoy some hanky panky”, are more subtle and discreet than other words or phrases that may require an act of greater confidence if you have not talked dirty before.
Talking dirty is twofold, firstly it about telling your partner what turns you on before you have sex and secondly during sex it’s about telling them what you are enjoying. When sharing what turns you on or you’re enjoying, it’s not in the details but rather in the minds eye and through touch that boosts the erotica. Body language can convey how turned on you are with eyes growing a little larger, nostrils maybe flaring slightly, the way you arch your back, part your legs, lean in, smack and lick your lips. This and more show your sexiness, but when you talk dirty you take it to the next level. This is the fantasy level where the possibilities of what might come later can be enhanced and is the first step to awesome foreplay.
Sex taps into your primal nature and it’s natural to make noises as it keeps you present and connected to those pleasurable sensations.Some people find moaning and aspects of talking dirty funny and burst into laughter which is sometimes a sign of fear, anxiety, nervousness but also can be quite off putting for the other person who can appear confused by the reaction. Don’t be offended but ask what was funny. Another issue that arises during sex is saying things that you believe the other person wants to hear. Be your authentic self, not an actor in a role play.
Silent sex is a killer, you need to convey what you are feeling to spur the other person onwards otherwise it’s like groping around in the dark and hoping you find that light switch to get the electricity going.
We all keep things in our head and have secret desires. Threesomes, turning up to the office and enjoying a lunch break draped across a desk, having sex at a secluded location, having your clothes ripped off (not torn) when your lover walks through the door are scenarios that are retained in the mind and that one can build upon when enjoyed. Surprise and push yourself, you never know if talking dirty is for you unless you try it.
If you are looking to spice up a relationship, get down and hot with your creative juices flowing and possibly have better sex than you ever dreamed of then using dirty talk can certainly be a stepping stone to making that happen. Focus on what feels good at that moment and share it with your partner.
Here are some tips to help you get started.
- Test the waters by having a casual conversation and asking if they have or want to talk dirty. Ask if swearing and using foul words is Ok.
- If introducing swearing watch your communication tone and volume especially on the phone, the aim is to be sexy and enticing.
- Be in the mood. If you are already in bed and are tired or not aiming to have sex, talking dirty can have an undesired effect such as laughter or annoyance.
- Read to her or watch an erotic movie together to get things started. It’s not aimed at replacing foreplay, but as an additional benefit.
- Talking dirty in another language can be romantic. It sounds different and the words can resonate with elegance to the ear. It may not be so offensive to you.
- Don’t mention family, other women or use clinical or childish terms as they can be a definite sexual put off.
- Build a repertoire and vary the subject matter so it doesn’t sound rehearsed.
- Get feedback after sex when you are both relaxed and open to discussion
Embracing change in this area can be challenging but if you have never tried this before, don’t knock it, as you may be missing out showing your partner the enthusiasm you feel when you are either together or apart.
© Kia Haere Counselling & Life Coaching