The bible tells us that God created the world in 7 days and formed Adam and Eve. It is assumed they were created for the purpose of procreation and creation of a global society.
The desire to have children and even remain single are choices being made everyday. Divorce, abuse, dysfunctional families, cheating partners are what consciously or unconsciously prevent connections, new experiences or even opportunities from taking place.
Those of us that are single have a tendency to fill our lives with all sorts of things like sport, study, travel or undertake various activities to ensure we are occupied. We work hard and sometimes longer hours to occupy our minds and/or bodies. We catch up with other single friends to enjoy things our married friends sometimes don’t have the time or interest to enjoy with us. There remains in all of this our need for connection to others, as the saying goes ‘we are not an island unto ourselves’.
The need for connection both physical, emotional, spiritual and personal generates a sense of wellbeing. Research shows that a sense of wellbeing leads to greater happiness thus when I hear people say that being single is so liberating or that they are too busy to get involved or that they are loving being single, I think who are they kidding?
What is connection and why is it important for wellbeing? I am a tango dancer and also dance other Latin styles. No matter what style I dance the one thing that is needed is a close connection. The hold you share with the lead partner determines how the follower engages in the dance. If you are held at a distance then you may find that certain steps in your technique are more difficult to undertake and this leads to a disconnect with your partner. If you are held on the other hand in a close embrace there is the heart and spirit connection and you can glide effortlessly as one in time to the beat of the music that surrounds you. You become so engrossed in the music that everything else becomes insignificant. The dance of life is no different and connection and the need to be loved is human. Isn’t that the reason that God created Adam and Eve in that form?
Often we have had encounters that have caused us to want to remain single. We have had our hearts broken one way or another and decide that we are better off being single. We form stronger connections with family and friends who help to a certain extent but to connect our heart space to a single person is what many ultimately search for. Irrespective of how we try and convince ourselves or others that we don’t need a soul mate, that special someone, the number of online dating sites is testimony to an identified need. Relationship counselling/ advice and dating sites is the number one most searched for information on the Internet.
Being single gives us the freedom to make choices about what we want to do without taking into consideration another person thus ‘It’s all about me.” We get involved in new activities, go to places we know other singles are likely to frequent and many people who divorce after years of marriage, suddenly find themselves leading lives of their younger selves and having more fun doing it because they are wiser and wealthier.
Younger partners, more sex, more partying, travelling to new locations are examples that our more sedimentary, conservative, or conventional married selves may not have participated in for sometime. The game plan has changed and getting back into the swing of it is hard for some. For others it’s a dream come true, but how long does that feeling of wanting to remain single last before we feel the need for a longer lasting connection again?
A friend of mine while travelling abroad met this amazing woman and he described it as ‘love at first sight’. They spent time together and on returning to his country he realized that a long distance relationship had its issues so returned to her country to visit her and vice versa over a period of a year. Eventually he decided to live in her country but on returning, discovered she had just disappeared. He searched for her everywhere he knew but couldn’t find her. He found it difficult as you would expect to get over what had happened. Over a period of ten years he met many women, had numerous affairs, many women proposed to him, but he was not interested. He couldn’t get passed this past encounter. One day on Facebook as he was doing a search he found her. She appeared married and had a child. That was his closure and he has since met someone else he has been in a long-term relationship with. Though this is an abbreviated version of what happened the point I am making is that it can take years before you feel the inclination to want to forge another long lasting connection with someone if something has hurt you so much. Some people never move on. On the other hand depending on your experience it maybe that you don’t like to be on your own, you want to have children therefore your time span might be shorter. Age and personal circumstances are a factors to be considered.
I have been on a number of dates and find that unfortunately the men I have dated are too self absorbed in themselves and don’t bother to ask anything about you, they justify things with their ailments and it feels like all they want is a nurse maid, some are not the right intellectual fit and there are even less that I have had a physical connection or spark with. Some of you may identify with this irrespective of your gender choices.
I love the new choices in life I have made as a single, am all about my freedom and not being caged and though I am now ready to meet that special someone it’s not easy. My life experiences, my tastes and my expectations as I have got older have changed and this all impacts on meeting someone to connect with on a long-term basis. Am I fussy, no, I am pretty easy going but I do know what I am prepared to accept and what I am not.
As a clairvoyant once said to me, the man you meet will be a rare individual you just haven’t met him yet. Have you met your long lasting connection and will you recognize that it’s them?
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© Kia Haere Counselling and Life Coaching